The journey to building self-esteem demands lot of patience with oneself as we learn to view ourselves in a new light, but one thing that is certain it requires practicing Self-validation and approval. When we start to self-validate, we no longer need others to validate who we are, what we do or say because we draw our approval and self-acceptance from within ourselves, instead of outside ourselves. 

What is Self-validation?

Self-validation is the process of acknowledging and accepting our own thoughts, feelings, and experiences without needing someone else to tell us. It involves recognizing our own worth and experiences with awareness, which helps us build emotional resilience and a stronger sense of self.

Getting validation from ourselves require a mindset shift, where we learn to give ourselves the acceptance and recognition we have been seeking from others. 

The beginning of self-validation can come in two ways.

One way is the easy road, where we naturally learn to do what makes us happy or fulfilled, regardless of who is approving or validating of it, because it feels right to us and we have grown to know who we are and how to live our life. 

Another way is through the lack of outside validation or approval, where we are left with no choice but to find acceptance, validation and approval within ourselves.  For many of us, this can happen after many painful experiences in the form of rejections, isolation, lack of belonging or lack of fulfillment, where we finally realize that actions and behaviors, we undertake through seeking validation from others have not provided the approval or acceptance we wished for. 

How do we then start finding self-validation or self-approval from inside? Let’s look at some ideas.

Self-validation starts with learning to forge our own identity, through setting beliefs and valuesthat align with who we are or want to be. We recognize what matters to us and is part of our beliefs.

As a result, we self-approve and self-validate as we start to do what is right for us, what reinforce our own identity, values and beliefs away from others’ opinions or beliefs. 

We start to acknowledge and validate our feelings and emotions without needing confirmation from outside because we are building a good sense of who we are. 

Naturally, we learn to self-regulate by understanding our emotions, feelings and actions, and can make conscious choice to validate them. Because we now understand our values and beliefs can be our point of reference when things do not align with us and can help us self-approve and self-validate. 

This idea is not about being open to other perspectives, rather to start using our beliefs and values to fall back on when we feel like we are seeking validation from outside of ourselves. For instance, if someone cross your boundaries, you recognize it for what it is and act accordantly, instead of awaiting someone else to validate it for you. Or when you feel excited about learning a new hobby or have found a new interest, you no longer wait for your friend to find it exciting too, but you enjoy it for your own happiness. 

We can also self-validate by listening to our emotions and feelings when we take actions. When we are doing things that bring us joy, excitement, calm, fulfillment, happiness and positivity, even no one approve or validate it, we can find self-validation in it.  In the same way when we do not feel good, we can acknowledge it by paying attention to how we feel. We choose to bring positivity around us through activities, tasks, hobbies, interests that validate what we enjoy and not what others may approve or validate because we more than anyone else, know how we feel. 

We learn to say to ourselves “My feelings are valid. Someone else may see it differently, but this is how I feel based on what I experience.” We learn to stop taking actions just to please others, when we feel unhappy or not right inside. Because now we are self-approving through the connection we have with our feeling. We start to discern when we are taking actions for the right reasons, or for approval seeking. 

This does not mean that we are using pre-conceived feeling about someone or something, or underlined insecurities and use it to misjudge, but it is about using our feelings and emotions as a reference to self-validate, with understanding that it is about how we feel when we act or engage in something and the emotions we derive form it. This help us recognize what is good or bad for us and our growth. As such, we avoid delegating this approval to others.

Celebrating ourselves even when no one acknowledge us. We start to see small or big wins worth celebrating because we understand that they are part of our growth and move us closer to our goals. We cheer ourselves up when no one show up, we prioritize ourselves through self-care and positive actions that move our life forward, we do things that we enjoy regardless of who is around, we acknowledge and recognize our skills, talents, qualities etc—thus we know our worth even when no one recognize it. 

We learn to say to ourselves “I’m proud of this accomplishment.” or “I don’t need permission to celebrate myself.” Thus, we start acting accordantly to recognize our achievement and how far we have come, no matter how small it appears.

Another way we can self-validate, is when things outside of ourselves no longer fulfill us or we are unable to achieve those goals and aspirations we dreamed of. Now, we are faced with the only choice to go within for validation. We stop and reflect and understand that things outside of ourselves did not bring us the validation we thought they would. We have worked to gain the material possessions and rewards that we hope will bring us the validation, but only to fall short and to realize that our self-validation and maybe our self-worth go beyond the physical things. 

Thus, we are redirected to go within and find what else validate who we are as a person. Perhaps, it is those qualities we appreciate in ourselves or the skills we possess or those crafts we beautifully make, either way, we see that we must find something else within that was lacking outside of ourselves. This can be a best way to find self-validation because it is not dependent on outside things. 

When we feel constant rejections and lack from outside ourselves because we so desperately need others or something to validate us, but nothing is working, we learn to self-approve and validate. 

As a result, we must go within to find positive mindset, because no one can give it to us but, ourselves. We get tired of being at the mercy of things outside of ourselves, that the only way out is within.

    We also recognize that as human being, we are enough to be deserving of what we want for our life, if we are willing to work for it, and do not need permission to feel validated. We work for it because we know that is what bring us happiness and fulfillment. We need to self-approve first before anyone else can approve us because the reality is that everyone else is working to get some type of approval. We are better of working on finding that approval within.

Additionally, we also recognize that many of us are getting to know ourselves or busy finding ourselves, and so do not know what is good or bad for us, because no one know you but you, and only you can validate your feelings, emotions, needs and wants. Therefore, why defer or leave that choice to others?  

The reality is that we already have the answers to wherever we are seeking validation for, but we are just hoping someone will put a stamp of approval on it. We can go ahead and do what we think others may approve, but we will always feel unsettled if we do not self-validate. Therefore, we must learn to self-approve and validate for our overall sense of self.

Self-validation is a rehearsal process until we find that inner knowing, where we no longer need things outside of ourselves to validate our actions, behaviors and words. It is where we understand that your feelings, emotions, and actions feel right to us and others cannot necessarily approve it for us because we know ourselves. The reality is the less we seek external validation, the more we align with our true self. As a result, we start detaching from others’ opinions, helping us build internal validation by relying on our beliefs, values and emotions to guide us.