Throughout my journey to building a healthy self-esteem, I come to realize that one of the best ways to get validation from things outside of ourselves is to find validation within. This does not mean that we need validation from others to feel enough, because that goes against the whole idea of “Building our self-esteem from the inside out. “Rather, it is cultivating a healthy internal sense of self-worth through self-acceptance, taking responsibility for ourselves, managing the expectation we put on others or have no expectation, rather, and learning to connect to our higher self. These acts allow us to self-validate, while lessening the need for external validation.

Wanting validation from things outside of ourselves is a normal human behavior as we need connection, belonging and acceptance. But when our desire for external validation overshows or hinders our desire to be the best version of ourselves, that is where we may lose ourselves. Imagine that there is a mindset shift that can allow us to start seeing self-validation differently, allowing us to make changes to transform ourselves, regardless of the acceptance of others!

Let’s imagine people in your life or you have encountered at work, social gathering, coffee shops etc.— and how they seem to effortlessly show up with confidence, authority, a sense of self-knowing, unapologetically and seems to accept themselves, even when they maybe perceived negatively. They choose to be who they are or want to be perceived as without much concern if others would either accept or reject them. They are committed to be who they feel is right for them and others can accept or reject them. Because the reality is no one know us better than we know ourselves. Therefore, whoever we choose to define ourselves as is what we believe to be, and no one can make us feel otherwise if we stay committed and trust who we are or are becoming. 

Another way to look at this is to imagine someone who has done wrongs and then find a way to rebuild their life. How this person can achieve that is maybe by seeing themselves as a human being with flaws, but also as someone who is willing and genuinely doing work to do better. So, he or she shows up with vulnerability and an inner desire to change their own life, even when they know that other people may reject or accept them. Either way, they choose to focus on the transformation that is ahead of them and its possibilities. 

Now let reflect this thought back to us, for those of us who are free from that burden, and yet we waste lot of our energy and time trying to gain other people validation, instead of focusing on building ourselves. The possibilities can be limitless.

The idea I am trying to convey here is for those of us who are genuinely wanting to become their best and wholesome self but have been worrying too much about other people judgment, opinions, criticisms, permission, rejections, and lack of acceptance. 

To recognize that if many people out there who may be seen as bad, aggressive and so on, can transform their life by staying committed to who they are and be accepted; why those of us who want to fully show up in our own life, are letting outside forces control our self-image, hinder our growth, and limit our progress in life. Because the truth is many people want to become their best self and raise to their potential but are too often worried about rejections. 

Sadly, we come to realize that this act does not serve us, nor the society at large. Because what the world needs is more people who can find self-worth from within, so they do not get trapped by the wrong things and outside themselves. Understanding this concept, can free our mind to focus on what matter, become wholesome and keep evolving. Then, by staying committed to who we are because we can have found it within, we can lessen or lose the need for external validation, as it is given to us one way or another- people will either accept or reject you, and sometimes between.  

 We can instead focus on validating ourselves by connecting back to what matters, rather than wanting others to validate us by trying to convince them to accept and approve of us. This allows us to start taking actions and behaviors that align with our values, beliefs, growth and not necessarily those that gain validation.

How do you achieve self-validation?

–Start by learning self-acceptance at wherever stage you are in your life

You choose to accept yourself fully, with the good and the bad side, acknowledging your shortcomings, weaknesses, limitations, setbacks, failures, and strengths. Through acceptance, we start to be honest with ourselves and find peace with what is, while recognizing that we can do better.  

You also acknowledge your emotions and learn to regulate them, so that things can triggers you, but they do not cloud your judgment of who you are. You recognize yourself as a human being like everyone else, with flaws, and that progress or change takes time and hard work, but you are willing to try and fail. So, when things do not work out, you already have the mindset that allow you to accept it, regardless of what others may see it as. You see progress, learning and growth, instead of loss. 

Self-acceptance is often achieved by doing inner work on yourself. By accepting what is and who you are at this moment, you start to rely less on things outside yourself to validate you because you understand that this is part of human evolution, a stage of your life and if either it make sense or not, depend on you- how you define it. Because the truth is each one of us has a different view on life and how you see one thing maybe different on someone’s else view. 

–Taking responsibility for your own life

When you start to take ownership of who you are and want to become, you empower yourself to take responsibility. This action leaves no room for things outside of yourselves to easily influence you because your decisions and actions are based on what is right for you, and not what others think maybe right for you. This can be instant self-validation because you are making a choice for yourself. 

You understand that your happiness is your responsibility and not others, and you learn to enjoy your own company, meet your own needs and wants, be your own best friend, create your own happiness by engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, and that nurture your skills and talents. You learn to become loyal to yourself and set your priorities.

You acknowledge your own efforts and learn to celebrate yourself, either small or big wins, your accomplishments and goals you have achieved. You understand that your happiness and life desires to be better can only be fulfilled by taking responsibility. By doing this, you free yourself from co-dependency, other people’s approval and validation.  

Additionally, you also learn to accept rejections as part of life because you understand rejections do not mean something wrong with you, rather it is protection or redirection to what truly aligned. Because when we do all these acts by taking responsibility for our own life, you lessen the need for validation because you have acknowledged and understand that it is up to you to create your life.  

-Managing expectations

 Learning to manage your expectations from others can be one of the healthiest ways to build validation from within. Recognizing this act means understanding that the world does not owns you anything, even when we think you worked hard or that you deserve it. 

Life is unfair and that is the reality you must accept. Therefore, when things turn out ok or fail, you are fine with either and can still roll up your sleeves and keep going. One think is also true is that we often tend to put lot of expectations on other people in our life or those we connect with, but the reality is each person has their own expectations, and it is only by choosing to manage your end, that you can create balance for yourself and in your relationships. 

-Learn to connect to your higher self  

From experience, I truly believe that one of the most effective ways to self-validate is by choosing to always connect to your higher self. This is the part of you that choose to take actions and cultivate thoughts that are positive, can serve your growth and is based on being righteous.  By acting from your higher self, you learn to trust your own judgment, opinions, choices and inner compass, because you know that you acted from a healthy and genuine place, good intention and on what feels right, rather than reacting to wherever you are facing. You choose to rise your vibration whenever possible by choosing to do what is right, instead of what is easy, and you avoid engaging in low vibrational activities as much as possible. 

This technique is very helpful because it truly allows you to know yourself  to learn to understand yourself, get to trust your own judgment and build an inner knowing. Because the truth is we always know what feels right versus what is not, but sadly we often fail to listen to our inner or higher self because we believe that the answer is outside of ourselves. When we develop this inner compass, we can lessen the need to depend on seeking approval or validation from others. 

Quite often the main reason why we tend to seek validation from others or things outside of ourselves is because we have not fully taken responsibility for our own growth, our own life, our happiness and evolution. As mentioned above, once you take responsibility for yourself and become accountable for your own actions and behaviors, you learn to self-validate, because you are no longer deferring that responsibility to others. You learn to become your own judge, build some wisdoms, trust your own compass, become your own guide, teacher and if you need other’s feedback or advice, you learn to listen, without heavily relying on it. But you are open to other perspectives to help you see things from another point of view, and if it aligns with what right for you, it is a bonus. 

The important thing is if you believe in yourself, others may eventually do too. But it must start with you. When you learn to validate yourself, you take back your power. Others’ opinions still matter, but they no longer define your worth. 

The Tricks are?

When we learn to find self-validation from within,  the trick is to realize that no one know us better than we know ourselves, and to seek constant validation from others may become pointless at some point in life, because we are on our own journey. 

Additionally, another trick is wherever we accept or approve of ourselves is what others will eventually see and can accept.  It is like the saying “you show people how to treat you “if you have self-respect and prioritize yourself, others will likely follow suit.

Furthermore, we are always growing, evolving and transforming, and as such who we were at some point in life, may not be who we become, and especially for those of us who are genuinely doing the work to become the better version of ourselves. 

Self-validation is a learning process and takes practice to allow us to build back the inner trust we have so long deferred to other people. It may feel uncomfortable and challenging at first, because we have relied for so long on outside things to validate us. But we understand that by not taking responsibility, not empowering ourselves and not finding self-validation, we can easily stay dependent on others’ validation and to dictate our life. 

The reality is no one knows you better than you know or can get to know yourself. As such, no one is more equipped to validate you than yourself. You know your wants, your needs, your values and beliefs to serve as guide in your life. When you choose to step into your own life and take responsibility for it, you get the chance to be truth to who you are. And the truth is someone will always validate or reject you, and you have no control over that, but you own to yourself to keep validating you in a way that serve your growth. This is how we trick ourselves to self-validate by stepping into our own life.